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As a child, I always thought, when I grew up, when I became an adult, I'd feel different.
I would magically become that person I thought I was meant to be. Wow, I couldn't have been more off. On both counts, the process and the end goal.
The person I thought I was supposed to be was a fabrication of who I thought my parents, family, and friends, wanted me to be. Some of which was neither healthy nor positive.
I am finally allowing myself the benefit of putting myself first.
I was always a people, pleasure. This is not to say, that will suddenly stop. It won't, it's part of who I am. But what I will do, is choosing who deserves that energy from me.
I will always put my kids and family first.
But if there's a person in my life who isn't as pleased to see me as I them, I'll save my energy for someone who values me.
We are taught as children to make friends, introduce ourselves, but not how to cultivate healthy relationships. Most kids had the opportunity to decide if that person was worth having in their life...my early years were marked with their own brand of trauma.
While other kids were fighting over what colour was their favorite, I was trying to survive, trying to adapt in world of constant inconsistency.
The friends I made, were never friends, they were the 'what's in it for me?' person. That person that hangs around to see what they can get out of you, and the second you're in a position to need someone, you're left high and dry. (Yes, even as an adult).
Turning forty means I get to be more discerning in who I chose to surround myself with.
And why not? I deserve it.
As for the person I am? I will always endeavor to be the person I think I ought to be. That version of myself 5 years in the future. It's a constant goal, ever changing. Because in five years, when I become who I think I should be. The me I'll deign to be will be another five years off.
We are never too old to change, to learn, to better ourselves. Be it a new skill, a new attitude or outlook on life.
I look forward to all this year has in store for me, and the next big adventure.
C
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